Revealing the hidden roots fueling lust, porn, affairs, and all other sexual sins.
by Joel Hesch, Founder of Proven Ministries
I am writing blogs to systematically guide people to gain and retain sexual integrity. The first blog spoke of making a decisive decision and commitment that your particular sexual sin is not an option and that you will do whatever it takes to fulfill that vow. Until you make this stand, you are only fooling yourself and leaving open the door to returning to sexual sin. The second blog gave you a game plan for tack tackling temptations and lustful thoughts by practicing the 3 R’s of Recognizing, Ruining, and Replacing each and every tempting thought. These are vital foundations. Today we are addressing root issues that feed sexual sins so that you can focus on the right target.
The Root Issue the Feeds Porn and Other Sexual Sins
Have you ever wondered why you could not simply stop looking at porn or masturbating? It seemed like there was some super magnet that you could not break free from its grip no matter how hard you tried.
The good news is you are about to learn about an underlying root issue that feeds each of your secret sins. Did you catch that? There is a common root that not only feeds your sexual sins but all secret sins. What we are about to reveal is surprising to most because few realize the connection between this root and the poisonous fruit it bears in the area of sexual sin, whether porn or affairs.
The best way I found to explain it is through this analogy.
Look at your right hand. Imagine each finger as your top five areas of sin or struggle. Perhaps your thumb is masturbation and the index finger is lust, followed by the finger of greed, then envy, with the little pinkie being jealousy. Maybe some of your sins are a bit different, but let’s use these five fingers of sins as an example.
As you think about these five sins, you might hate one more than the others. You likely focus on removing that one. Maybe you’re stronger than me. Perhaps you can even out of sheer determination, bend over the one finger you hate most. Maybe a few of you even bend over two fingers of sin. But there are still a few remaining fingers of sin in your life.
The problem for all of us is that even if you bend over a finger for a while, it always seems to pop back up. Now that’s frustrating!
Worse yet, chances are pretty good that if you are holding in or suppressing sensual desires—white-knuckling it, so to speak—something like anger or greed will pop up in the place of the finger of porn or masturbation that you are fighting to bend. For most of us, the finger of pornography or masturbation will simply return when our strength fails.
The problem is that we attack a symptom, not the root cause that leads to these sins. That is why we never achieve lasting victory.
I felt deeply embarrassed by my struggle with masturbation. Other sins in my life, like greed or envy, didn’t weigh on me as heavily—I just wanted to be free from the guilt and shame that followed every time I gave in. For years, I pleaded with God to remove the desire altogether. I even argued with Him, saying that since both of us found it wrong, why not just take away the temptation or make me stop? But that never happened. God never simply took it away.
The problem is that there are five (or five hundred) secret sins in my life, not just the one that turns my stomach. It never occurred to me that God was not pleased simply because one or two fewer sins were present in my life. I didn’t understand the true love and desire for intimacy God desired for and with me. I didn’t comprehend that God would rather be invited into my life and journey with me in the midst of my struggles and show me His way out.
That’s when it finally hit me. God is not holding out on me by not taking away the finger of masturbation. He wants to equip me to tackle all of the sins in my life. What’s more, God wants me to turn to him and enjoy Him as part of my daily life, not just a fixer when problems are too big for me.
Here’s the deal. All sin, not just sexual sins, blocks our intimacy with God. He wants to remove them all. More importantly, God wants a daily walk with us. He wants us to realize that we are humans, created beings—created by Him for an intimate relationship with Him.
God was not punishing me by not taking away masturbation. He loved me too much to take away the one sin I could not beat on my own. He loved me too much to take away the one sin I hated most because if He did, in my warp world view, I would not need him or even want to rid the rest of my secret sins. I would be happy to live with envy or judgmental attitudes if I just stopped masturbating. Good thing God doesn’t want to leave me like that!
Revealing the Hidden Root
Now let’s turn to the root issue. Let’s expose it for what it is and how it keeps fueling our unhealthy sexual desires. Let’s also start applying the correct antidote rather than simply putting on band-aids over symptoms.
From the analogy above, suppose that in your right palm lies the fingers of masturbation, lust, greed, envy, and jealousy. If you knew the root source, you could do something about it. Well, all these sins stem from selfishness and pride.
It’s your pride that makes you think you deserve a little pleasure and your selfishness that turns your focus on pleasing yourself
If I am honest, I convinced myself I deserved to have sex daily. I deserved a little pleasure. Everything always started with I deserve… or I want….
The problem is selfishness never stratifies or stops wanting more. It actually keeps me (and you) from living a PROVEN Life across the board. We become so consumed with our rights and circumstances that we lose sight of the real prize of true intimacy—both with God and others. Next, your pride keeps you from being willing to do whatever it takes to be pure because that means you give up control to God and begin trusting Him. As long as selfishness and pride dominate you, you’ll always be a slave to some form of sexual sin and other “self” motivated sin, like greed and anger.
Are You Selfish and Proud?
I remember someone telling me that I was proud and selfish. I was fuming. My blood boiled. I wanted to punch him in the nose. How dare he judge me like that. How dare he try to tell me that my pride is the root issue that keeps me from looking at porn.
At that point, I was so exhausted from being trapped in the cycle of daily masturbation that I was finally open to at least considering an alternative. I decided to give it some thought. Grabbing a sheet of paper, I began listing all the ways I had been prideful or selfish. I figured the worst-case scenario would be proving that guy wrong.
As I started jotting down things that popped into my mind, the list started growing fast. It didn’t take long before the page was getting filled up and filled quickly. I was writing down things like “At a wedding, I make sure I get one of only the four corner pieces of cake because they have the most frosting.” I also wrote down, “I try to always be the first in line, and I always race back for seconds in case the food runs out.”
Yes, the list of food grew long and fast. I next turned to ways other than food that I was selfish and it was a long list too. When I started thinking about pride, the list of ways I always came first was flowing freely.
It wasn’t five minutes and I was devastated. I was actually humbled. With tears in my eyes, I put the pen down and cried out to God. I gasped, “Move over Paul, I am the chief of sinners.”
That was one of my defining moments in life. It was when I knew I needed to change. It was the first day of the rest of my life where I would actually work on stopping being proud and selfish. That was my root problem, not masturbation.
During this process, I began seeing how selfish I had been. I had loved the praise of others. I even thought that somehow God loved me more than the others. Finally, I understood that I was proud and my pride was fighting against the Lord. It was no wonder I was stuck in bondage to masturbation; I was selfish in everything I did. God needed to break my pride before I could truly be free of sexual sin and all the other sins driven by my selfishness.
A critical self-examination is in order for you too! If pride and its companion, selfishness, are the roots that fuel fantasy and illicit lust that drives all forms of sexual impurity, isn’t it time you gauged how much they control you?
Step back and examine your heart. Look closely at your life for evidence of pride. Take notice of the ways you think and behave selfishly. As you do, it will become more and more obvious just how much pride and selfishness exist in your life. As part of this process, it’s important to ask God to open your eyes to it. Then allow yourself to see the truth, no matter how surprising and unpleasant it may seem.
Most men can easily see selfish behavior in the lives of others, but it’s hard to see it in their own lives. If that’s true for you, consider these examples of selfishness. Do they sound familiar?
- wanting to be the first in line
- choosing the best piece of food
- talking more than you listen
- insisting others abide by your own preferences
- allowing others to give to you, without giving to them in return.
Pride is also visible when you dominate conversations, focus your concerns on yourself, protect your own rights and not those other others, refuse to overlook wrongs, withhold forgiveness, engage in boastfulness, put others down, and complain. How quickly are you to judge or find fault in others?
Ouch! Do you see some of these things in your life?
Perhaps you’re still unsure if you’re proud. Do you need convincing that you are selfish? Examine the next list of ways these qualities show themselves. Ask God to open your eyes to your foolish pride, so you may finally fall on your knees in sorrow and take on a servant’s heart so the wellspring of life will flood your being with a new spirit of humility and bring forth in you a PROVEN Life totally aligned with the will of God. Consider these additional examples of pride:
- seeking the best seat at an event
- comparing yourself to others
- coveting a larger TV or a new car
- desiring praise, but rarely complimenting others
- wanting to be waited upon
- expecting to be noticed
- selecting high-profile positions at church, work, or in the community
- considering yourself better than others
- finding fault in others
- living without concern for the needy, suffering, or poor
- dreaming of an easy life
- thinking you’ll escape the consequences others face for similar conduct
- being quick to justify your actions
- refusing to give God the first fruits of your time, affection, and resources.
Let’s continue deeper. Your fantasy life itself can reveal the deep roots of selfishness and pride in your life. Most fantasies are built on selfish, prideful longings to be served and have your every desire satisfied. Even when you daydream, aren’t you the hero or the star?
The list of examples of pride could go on. But you know yourself. You may be like Joel, puffed up and full of himself, or like Tim who continues to punish himself with his dad’s lies about never being good enough, or you may be somewhere in between. Every one of us struggles with pride.
The root of pride and selfishness affects all of us. No one is immune. While we all experience pride, it shows up differently for each person. For some, like me, it’s obvious—we boast or see ourselves as special or deserving. For others, it’s more subtle, expressed through fear or self-condemnation. They worry, doubt, or loathe themselves, refusing love because they don’t meet a prideful standard of perfection. Their pride lies in an ideal they believe they must achieve, leading to self-punishment and condemning thoughts. It may seem strange, but even self-condemnation stems from selfishness and pride. Ask yourself: Would someone truly humble be so self-focused? Would they set impossible standards for themselves? Even those who claim to be “the worst in the world” make themselves as “special” as those who claim to be the best—it’s just another form of self-obsession.
If you refuse to admit that you are filled with pride and selfishness, you’re not ready to do whatever it takes to gain and retain sexual integrity. That’s right. You’ll see no reason to stop striving by your own strength, pulling harder at your bootstraps to pick yourself up. Until you embrace that you are puffed up with pride, you might simply keep drifting from program to program until finding something to tickle your ears.[i] You’re only willing to do things your way, even as you strive for purity. But you won’t build true sexual integrity because the Lord’s healing always escapes the proud. In fact, the Bible says that when you are guided by pride, you are acting as an enemy of God.[ii] Be warned—the Bible clearly states that God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.
A common denominator for those willing to turn from sexual sins and begin building sexual integrity is a heart-based recognition of just how much selfishness and pride are present in their lives. Before this veil is lifted they march on blindly as enemies of God, joining the common ranks of the world.
Dear brothers, fall prostrate in repentance. Confess your stubborn pride and selfish practices and turn to the Lord. See your pride through the eyes of the Lord and realize the need to put an end to selfishness.
The Antidote
What you need is an antidote for pride and selfishness. It is not enough to fight to stop looking at porn if you never address the root reasons why you are tempted to keep returning to porn when life gets hard or you are bored.
Ready to make a total shift? Ready to start applying the right antidote for the right problem? Here are some fundamentals for healing and lasting change.
You must know by now that you can’t prevail in the strength of your own hands. It boils down to this: you must give up control to Christ. You need to yield your entire life to the Lord—every square inch.
Remember how you designated the palm of your own hand as the root of pride and selfishness. Compare it now to Christ’s hands on the cross. Nails pierced through his hands. Yet it was not the nails, but Christ’s perfect humility that held Him to the cross. Even after Christ arose, He chose to keep the scars of the nails to bear witness to a doubting Thomas.[iii] Let these same scars remind you to die to yourself and relinquish your selfishness and pride.
Each moment you allow Jesus to live through you, you take on humility—the antidote for the pride that feeds your lust. You’ll have new desires (God’s desires) and experience freedom and joy, even in the midst of trials.[iv]
How do you take on His nail-pierced hands? Christ has already told you before he was crucified: “If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.”[v] It was Christ’s role to pay the punishment for your sin on the cross; it’s your role to exchange a worldly life for one hidden in Christ Jesus Himself as you deny yourself and follow Him.
Denying the self is not only an act of humility, but self-denial also happens to be the only place where a real relationship with God can fully prosper. As a created being, you must deny your self-worth while admitting that Jesus is God, then worshiping and trusting Him in all things. Exchanging your hands for Christ’s is symbolic of dying to the self and yielding your life completely to Him.
The only way you can hope to stop living for yourself is by deciding from this day on, “I will live for Christ.” It’s a real and permanent commitment each Proven Man must make. It’s also the foundation for wanting to live out a PROVEN Life. Your new heart will sing, “I want to reach as high toward the holy mountain as I can and to do whatever it takes to be with God, to experience Him, and receive His healing.”
Sneak Preview
In future blogs, I will guide you in living out a Proven Life, which is the antidote for pride and selfishness. Here’s a sneak preview of the approach. Proven Ministries is not a program for how to stop looking at porn, but a new lifestyle of becoming a Proven Man or Proven Woman.
The PROVEN Path is based upon six keys for living out a PROVEN Life:
Passionate for God
Repentant in spirit
Open and honest
Victorious in living
Eternal in perspective
Networking with other Proven people.
Each letter of “PROVEN” stands for an essential element for your Christian life. When all six are combined, the entire purposes of a person are aligned. Then, the sweet voice of God whispers: “Well done, my good and faithful servant. You receive my PROVEN stamp.” In fact, each moment you walk in step with the Lord, you won’t sink into sexual sin. It’s time to turn our attention away from simply wanting to stop a particular sin and instead build a Proven life with and through the Lord.
(*We have studies on our website for both men and women on how to live out sexual integrity through a holistic Proven approach.)
[i] 2 Timothy 4:3.
[ii] James 4:4-6, 1 Peter 5:5.
[iii] John 20:24-28.
[iv] Philippians 1:14-19, James 1:2-4.
[v] Luke 9:23.