By: Allie Joy Hudson
4 min read
Porn with my Spouse
I recently read a story on Fight the New Drug’s website about a woman whose spouse had struggled with porn for years. Feeling the isolation and lack of trust between herself and her husband, she decided to try to watch porn with him.
She writes,
…what happened was that I became just as addicted to porn as he was. It began killing the love in our relationship and completely destroying the respect we had for each other, (or what respect was left anyway). It made me a totally different person. The reality vs. fantasy was all too much for me to handle until porn seemed to become more of a reality than my actual reality. (“Why Watching Porn with my Partner was a Terrible Idea”)
This happens way more than we realize or might like to admit. So many porn websites advertise “couples’ porn” as a way for spouses to make their sex lives more “exciting.” But what’s the real result of couples consuming porn together? Is this truly a helpful resource in the bedroom, or does porn only drive a wedge between husband and wife? Let’s look into this.
Porn: Relational Tool or Crutch?
When couples use porn as a sexual aid, they are likely to become turned on quickly and intensely given the nature of what they are watching. Porn offers a wide variety of new, out-there, and made-to-order experiences.
However, over time, those who watch porn as a means of getting aroused will start becoming dependent on images and videos instead of relying on their sexual partner. Arousal or climax can no longer happen naturally. Porn becomes a crutch rather than a tool.
Rather than surrendering their bodies to their spouse, these husbands and wives lose control over themselves and hand over the reins to a new, digital master.
Expectations of Porn
Watching pornography together doesn’t enhance your sex life; it takes a tremendous toll on it. In addition to making it more and more difficult for a man or woman to be aroused by their spouse, porn during sex steals pleasure rather than creating it.
As humans, we often learn things by watching them and then trying to replicate them ourselves. Therefore, how can we expect to watch porn without attempting to learn from it?
We can’t. But what exactly are we learning from porn?
First of all, porn sets us up for disappointment.
- It is staged, after all. So, when we try to recreate something that is fake in real life, we end up unsatisfied.
- We start to compare our spouse to the virtual harem we expose ourselves to. This involves your spouse’s looks, desirability, and sexual proficiency. A normal person could not measure up to the standards set by porn stars, because they are acting. These standards are not real.
- According to the Journal of Applied Psychology, “after only a few prolonged exposures to pornographic videos, men and women alike reported less sexual satisfaction with their intimate partners” (Fradd).
Watching porn already sets us up with unrealistic, unhealthy, selfish, and sometimes even violent expectations that we carry with us into our sex lives. And when we watch porn with our partner present, this effect is magnified.
Intimacy or Isolation?
Secondly, porn teaches us to isolate ourselves from our loved ones. Matt Fradd quotes one wife as saying, “When we watch porn in the bedroom, I don’t get the feeling that he’s really with me. I’m not his lover. He’s just masturbating in my body.” What a heart-wrenching quote! Porn trains us to use and even abuse our spouse for our own pleasure rather than tending to his or her needs, likes, and desires.
When we look at research, we see that, on the whole, porn users demonstrate lower levels of relational commitment and higher rates of infidelity (Psychology Today).
Porn taps into the lusts of our flesh and feeds us the lie that sex is all about what I want. Porn offers us variety and convenience at the expense of loving, lasting relationship.
Real Sex
But loving, lasting relationship is possible. God’s intent for sex is absolutely beautiful! Sex serves as an extremely powerful bonding agent between two people committed to each other for life. Each time a married couple engages in sex, they communicate their love in a way that is giving, special, exclusive, and intimate.
Sex is about trust, closeness, and love between husband and wife, an experience to be enjoyed and treasured between these two alone. Strangers have no place in the bedroom. Why would we actively choose to invite them in?
Related: Humans are Made for Pleasure
The Gift of Intimacy
God is relational, and He created sex on purpose. This gift is not to be taken lightly. While the physical is important, sex goes beyond bodily expression and into a deep emotional, mental, and spiritual relationship.
When we invite the corruption of pornography into this sacred space in hopes of making our sex better, we find that we are left starved for real connection with our life partner.
Porn robs us of the satisfaction that God wants us to have with our spouse, a satisfaction that cries out, “My beloved is mine, and I am his!”
Jesus desires for us to experience rich community in every sense of the word. This includes community with other people, with our families, with our spouse, and, most importantly, with Him. Jesus is so patient, longing for us to reach out, all the while He is there waiting. He hurts, celebrates, and dwells with us.
He is satisfied with us. By His grace, we are made clean, and we are enough.
Marriage is a reflection of this intimacy that Jesus has with us. Ask Him to give life, meaning, and refreshment to your marriage, present or future, today.
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Allie Joy Hudson is first and foremost a daughter of the King. She has been with Proven Men for over a year and serves in the position of Content Manager. Allie graduated from Liberty University with a Bachelor of Arts in English and minors in Spanish and Psychology. She completed her Senior Honors Thesis on the presentation of postmodern sexuality in short fiction. She enjoys reading, writing, playing the viola, singing, theatre, and photography. Allie is passionate about her ever-growing C.S. Lewis collection, cultivating relationships, and proclaiming truth in the twisted arena of postmodern sexuality. Allie lives in Pennsylvania and is overjoyed to be married to the love of her life.