By: Jennifer Troutt
Where To Start?
It’s hard to determine where my story begins. Was it late that Wednesday night when I found out about the porn? Or, was it when I found out about the affairs? Was it sitting in that cold room the first time my husband and I heard those two words that cut like knives, “sex addict.” Or does it start the day we both knelt at the altar and finally surrendered our marriage, the addictions, and the healing to God?
The Junk Of Our Marriage
Wayne and I had been unhappily married for almost two years when we started going to a little church. I knew then that he watched porn pretty often because the porn habit kept causing him to lie about it, cover it up, and make empty promises — when he was watching porn, our relationship felt most like an empty shell. But we started attending church regularly and we got involved with a men and women’s group, coming together regularly to study the Bible and know Jesus as a community.
It was after one of these monthly meetings that a pain came into my life that I still have no words for. We pulled into the driveway, but instead of hopping out to unbuckle the sleeping baby, Wayne just sat still. There was a weight to that moment, but I had no idea what was coming.
He told me that he had slept with three other women since we’d been married. Three. While today the war has been won and our marriage is a beautiful testament to what God can do in a person and in a marriage… the pain from that conversation never goes away, it never ceases to make my heart run, and it will always be a knot deep in my soul. I hate to talk about it because of the hurt, but I love to tell the story of God’s grace and power. Looking at where we are now, I marvel at the experience as my tears go from tears of unbelievable pain to tears of immeasurable joy. Really, only Jesus can do that.
Another Affair
Some time passed after that night in the car, and some healing occurred, but at this point we were still ignoring the relationship between Wayne’s porn “habit” and the affairs. We still argued once in a while about finding porn on his phone, but as long we were past the affairs I thought we were in a good place. Then there was the day that he told me about the fourth one. The recent affair. I don’t think words can describe how much it hurts when it happens again. It’s a different kind of hurt. I was a hurricane of emotion. I felt anger like I’d never known before, confusion like I’d never known before, and betrayal like I’d never known before. That night ignited in me a sense of worthlessness that would stay with me for many years to come. But even still, after a few days of hard silence and prayer, I became certain that God had something beautiful to make out of this horrible mess.
our resolve
What’s next? What do we do? Things needed to happen, but we were low, unaware of how to find light in the black tunnel we found ourselves in. Because our culture told us porn was normal, we had ignored its destructive nature. But not anymore. We decided that the world wasn’t going to tell us what our marriage ‘should look like’. The world wasn’t going to tell us what was ‘normal’. The world wasn’t going to tell us anymore that we couldn’t expect joy and faithfulness in a marriage covenant. Our culture wasn’t going to force us to settle for a shallow intimacy. If Jesus came to give us a Gospel that speaks into every area of life, then we needed the Good News for our relationship; we needed God’s kingdom – not the world’s kingdom – in our marriage.
Part 2 will be released tomorrow!
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Jennifer has been married to Wayne for 6 years. She has 3 kids: Riley, Benton, and Carson. Jennifer is wildly passionate about seeing marriages made whole and helping wives find peace in Christ. Jennifer is the social coordinator for ProvenMen Ministries.